


Bittersweet

by parallelanprincess



Series: Disney Oneshots [4]
Category: Aladdin (1992), Disney - All Media Types, Frozen (2013)
Genre: Backstory, Bigotry & Prejudice, F/M, Failed Attempts At Courting, Gen, Hans Being an Asshole, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 05:32:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5696842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parallelanprincess/pseuds/parallelanprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arendelle wasn't the first kingdom where Hans tried his luck. Agrabah was far more cruel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet

Hans was unashamedly an opportunist. When you're thirteenth in line for the throne, one must always be on the lookout for a chance to get ahead. Nothing less than poisoning his elder brothers would put him on the throne, so he was destined to find a kingdom of his own. The Southern Isles was too isolated from the rest of the world. The palace was too cramped to contain his genius. Or so he told himself as he boarded a boat headed for Agrabah. He doubted anyone noticed his departure. When he returned with an exotic wife and all the riches Arabia had to offered, then they'd realize their mistakes.

The journey was long and arduous. Few had sailed so far too the East. The sea tossed and turned as if it wanted to swallow the ship whole. Hans would not back down. His cause was noble. No matter how many times he got sick sea and the sailors mocked him. There was nubile, young princess waiting for him to woo her. The next leg in his journey was traveling with a spice caravan.

He'd plucked more than enough gold from the royal treasury to secure his passage. The last thing he needed was to be stranded in this barbarian, backwards land. They cut off people's ears for God's sake. The first few days, Hans was charmed with the desert. The sand dunes were beautiful and the cold night time air soothed him. The charm was short lived. Eventually the sweltering heat made his skin blister and his throat dry up. No matter how much he begged, he was never given more water than strictly necessary. Each drop of precious liquid a blessing. When he finally reached Agrabah, Hans kissed the burning pavement. At long last civilization.

Or at least a pale imitation.

He boarded with a nobleman from his home country who had made quite a lucrative business selling silks to the Southern Isles. The nobleman was more than happy to cater to a prince. The fact that Hans claimed to be his brother Roderick certainly helped. Third in line for the throne definitely sounds better than thirteenth. With so many princes it was nearly impossible to keep up. The fact that Hans was several years young than he should have been was lost on the nobleman. Good business sense did not equate to common sense. The man kept recommending brothels Hans simply needed to visit. The girls were more limber here apparently. Hans politely declined. Why settle for a common street whore when Princess Jasmine was waiting for him?

Hans dressed himself in his best military uniform. His father had seen it fitting to give him a post in the navy. The King often mentioned that Hans were to get lost in sea he'd be only mildly concerned. Sailors went missing everyday. In Agrabah the uniform was a symbol of his good breeding instead of a noose. His clothing complimented his lean frame and pale skin. He was the polar opposite of the bumbling Sultan, Hopefully Jasmine wasn't too attached to her father.

“I'm going courting, Johannes.” Hans said.

“Best of luck to you, sire,” the nobleman replied with a deep bow.

The streets of Agrabah were far more crowded than usual. The peasants had cleared a path for some sort of parade. Perhaps it was some holiday celebration of some sort. There were belly dancers, knife throwers, and...an elephant leading the parade?

 

_Make way For Prince Ali_

 

No. This couldn't be happening.

 

_Say: “Hey! It's Prince Ali!”_

 

All he had to do was beat the parade to the palace. Prince Abubu wasn't a threat to him so long as Hans got there first. He ran, weaving through the adoring crowd, shoving the gawkers out of his way. The madman was throwing gold into the streets making it even harder to maneuver. The harem sluts were literally singing his praises. If Hans wanted to be shoved aside by some flashy dolt he'd have stayed home.

The palace gates were opened, the doors were in his sights. He was definitely faster than an accursed elephant. So close...

_Prince Ali!_

_Amorous he!_

_Ali Ababwa_

 

Hans never stood a chance. He was swept away by a tide of elephants, llamas, and for some reason a full brass band. Lying on the cool tile floors, Hans knew his chance was lost. A full day too late. The irony hurt more than anything his brothers ever threw at him. To come so far and not even make a good showing. It was foolish to think his first attempt would end in victory. There were other kingdoms, more princesses in need of a spouse. When he became king his first decree would be a trade embargo on Agrabah.

**Author's Note:**

> You know the opening scene of Shrek 2 where Prince Charming goes through all that travel and FIONA IS ALREADY GONE ON HER HONEYMOON? That is what inspired this masterpiece. 
> 
> Ok so I'm a history major and Han's racist thoughts on Agrabah are inspired on a lot of first hand accounts of what Europeans thought of Asia back in the day so I guess I was adding a bit of historically accurate assholishness.


End file.
